Not "Sponge" Worthy

Streaming giants Paramount Plus and Amazon have decided to pull two episodes of “SpongeBob SquarePants” for being deemed culturally insensitive and I am laughing my ass off!

Picture the scene: It is 2021 in Bikini Bottom, and the media is rioting outside of SpongeBob’s pineapple house under the sea, demanding his cancellation. Fish swim by with signs reading “amphibious lives matter.” Sandy the squirrel is teary-eyed holding a #metoo sign still bitter about SpongeBob’s racist squirrel jokes from Season 2. She isn’t just another dumb squirrel living in the ocean, after all. She’s a woman and her voice matters. The Krusty Krab has become the FOX News equivalent of Bikini Bottom, boycotted for Mr. Krab’s Season 3 indiscretion where he goes on an oceanic panty raid. There is no forgiveness for our porous pal. He’s just another victim of crustaceous cancel culture.

My daydream of a cartoon leftist takeover is sobered by the fact that this is actually a metaphor for our new reality. We can’t show a SpongeBob episode about a pandemic because it could be triggering to children’s emotional vulnerability, and also elicit feelings of Asian hate (can’t make this shit up). We can’t show Pepe Le Pew because he promotes rape culture. We can’t let kids enjoy the Captain Underpants spinoff because it contains “passive racism,” whatever the f*ck that is.

SpongeBob, don’t feel bad. You are in good company. Kermit isn’t good enough for them either, and it’s just a matter of time before Homer Simpson is considered an abusive parent and that Winnie the Pooh will be called out for illegal possession of honey pots. Angelica Pickles is a quintessential bully, and Fred Flintstone is around children but never wears pants. By the time they get done the only thing left to watch will be Joe Biden falling up a ladder. #Truthbomber